i know why i kept having that dream since young.
dreams were never real.
they were never fake either.

its pretty scary (fun at the same time) counting down to something that you dont really fancy.
then again, it might be a release after all..




i cldnt stop sneezing like the way i kept screaming in my mind.

"its more on the attitude towards me when she's with her friends.."
hey i dont even get to experience this.
know why?
coz the friends dont even know!




you wanna try underground affair?
on the par.
sometimes all these lacking factors.
it might seemed good to people who are not in my shoes.
then again, me, not in their shoes as well.
i dont know if i should considered myself lucky so as to have skipped that point and perhaps prevent tons of arguements.




if you have a choice, would you choose to be in ice's position?
or my blardy pathetic position.




he's human.
i'm human too.
why we've got such different routes?



this is just an overall view on wtfs is going on.
underneath, there're still other factors to contribute to the way i'm feeling, and perhaps the way he's feeling too.


do you have any idea?
i've got no idea.

ice;
someone reminds me of you.
glad that youre still alive.
ive got sucha boring life.
work, work and work.
friends..
lastly, i wonder how will you feel if youve not meet your ger fer 2-3 mths?
would you love her still or let her die with her sch work.
then again, your ger is in jc too isn't it?
why does she still have time fer you?
while on my side..



okay i shall stop.
its getting annoying.
today's a nice date to screw people.
agree?

3/4 of my voice is gone!

wk ends always seem short when you dont have time to rest.

there's something new in my family.
its huge (to me), and its bright.
glaring!!!!

im wondering about some stuff that i shouldnt.
i think that its redundant.
but..
cant help it.





are you still the one?
and another question.
am i still the one?


fer you..





those cramps are driving me insane.




OH AND HAPPY BDAY TO SOMEONE!
i msged you okay, dont say that i didnt coz i dont really remembering msging you last year. but i know that you did msged me..
sorry!!
but still.
love lah.
hahahahaha.
=D

have you taken your breakfast, lunch and dinner?






i bet you have.
good evening everyone.
have a good week ahead!





before i sold my soul away.

its how amazing one can drift off to sleep while reading a book in the library.
crazy sat.
walked alot. (look at my frd)
and.. fer once, ever since last yr sept, i thought that i saw something (someone) huge.
HUGE.
hugo.






this world is forever so sad isnt it?
just came across a profile and saw some pics that i shouldnt have seen..
i bet everyone out there in this world knows that jealousy is lethal.
it could not only ruin your mood and your feelings,
not only people surrounding you.
but lastly, it could ruin you as well.




just as i thought, just as i really thought so.

the two hammies.
with funny names given by the psychotic and sadistic owner.
but they're damn cute.
suggested enrolling them into the academy of AC.
but i got back response like..


'roasted rodents'.
hahahahaha.
cute tiny weeny beings.
ran outta my hand and fell to the ground.
stunned.
but at the same time was laughing my ass off.





tiring day..
eventfully.. not?






bumped into a couple of people today.
the positions offered were pretty cool.
but working in a sec sch reminds me of how violent kids can be nowadays....
messy shit.
option.. not.





update soon.
throat's sore.
sore throat.
zzzzzzzzz.

humid afternoon.
i miss that one.
;)
saw my xxx worth of wallet today.
my bday present!
and make sure you mark your words.
thanks a zillion.

daddy's a cool shit.
he drives me crazy with his funny fucking directions!!
riverWALK and he was at riverSIDE.
yeah though they're just opp each other.
but still, a fruitful meeting coz he bought his blardy cage fer his soon-to-be tortured hammies.
poor beings.



Challenger was cool.
tons of stuff sold.
i got lost in the varieties.
and there was this game which is very sadistic i swear, i flew the plane and i made it crashed.
must be the FD.




cool stuff hot shit!
i hate sore throat!
and i had some fried stuff today! brilliant.
sadly, i'm still surviving.






a conversation btw MR XXX and MR Interviewer.
laughs the hell outta me!
to those who know and "caught" the "episode".








and the Academy of AC reigns.
HAHAHAHAHA.

and i actually left out that part that i'm currently, presently quite deprived of something.
guessed it?
guessed it not?
doesnt matter.





*in search of you.
the presence deep down left, so near yet so far..

stuff i heard from my frd.
SEA WATER IS ACTUALLY GOOD?
hmm...
i didnt know that.
good fer the minority lot and its all in your mind.
all in your preferences..





and did i mention that susan is actually quite a 38 and highly annoying?
and i think that her nickname fer this year is actually:
ANONYmous. (should be ANNOYmous)




i'm not being dao or "cool" or whatsoever.
just appreciate it and worship you like i do fer my bed if you could just kindly ..
get off my back.





hmm..
they do make a great pair isnt it?
that irritating friend (fiend) and susan (who's fav no is 38).
thats sth new to perk me up fer a day or two!
=)
not exactly but i think peeps out there have their own sets of decisions and thoughts in their heart regarding the union.
HAHAHAHAHA.

i was waiting for the show..
waited till i finished my book.
zzzzzzzzz.
finally the show is here!!!!!!!!!!
just get those thoughts out before i get glued to the tv.




throughout there was a twinge of (i dont know how to explain but im sure that they're mixed feelings) within me.
as the flashbacks of the events brought me down to my memory lane...
oh.
i had fun reminiscing.
did you have your fun today too?





conversations in riddles had got me off to a standby mode.
and friends..
its not a necessity to conversate every single day.
and i believe that the bond alone is not based on such "intellectual" activity.
it your friendship is, i feel DAMN sad fer you.





and to the person who simply loves kissing the wall and perhaps occasionally (think its more frequently) emit the stupidity into the brains..
YOU CAN STOP ASKING IF I HAD CALLED MY FRD TODAY!
i have got a life.
NOTE. A LIFE!
and now youre telling me that i'm bored and youre asking me some CASUAL questions?
save it fer yourself.
guess that you gotta be enlisted into the list of casualities soon.
how about now?





oh and back to the random topic of riddle-like conversations.
highly intriguing but yet irritating if you simply dont abide by the rules..
and so the topic of today is..



NATIONAL PLAYER, ACADEMY OF THE ARTIFICIAL COMPLEXION.
get it? get it not?
a highly intriguing (quite moronic actually.. haha!) and i bet it'll leave you _____ once you grasp the content.





and fer sure, i'm definately OUT of that fucking academy.
a frd was attempting to join.
and a few bitches/jerks (basically humans) are already in it.





aint it funny?

i had a hungry afternoon.
hahahahah.

sometimes i am just so pretty deprived of the usual's company.
the moments shared.
the good and bad.
the laughter.
the tears? (???)
i dont know.





flashbacks of the moments.
i wished that i know how to quit them.





oh and to those who think that they're in the group.
they should gather up as a bunch and watch fd3 together.
and see how they're gonna dieeee.
that's so exciting!
=D

my phone supposedly but a new phone. (?!?!)
caught fd3, freaked out like shit.
first time and last time fer such shows.
ARGH.



towned.
its been long since i last towned.
thurs there to collect my phone.
sat met the usuals fer meals, but before that i got my haircut!!!!!!!!
like finally.




dozed off quite a bit when i was out.
zzz..




oh some peeps just gotta be so crazy that i gotta send them to an asylum.
yeah. and i forgot that those peeps might be reading this?



BUT seriously.. do you think that i ever give a fck abt them?
i dont think that they do and i dont care.

headache.
i got back my phone!

amazing..
=)

i dozed off while thinking about it.
i dont know.

asking me to think of a theme.
but all i could think of is you.

work work work.
i need to get a life soon.
zzzz.

i enjoyed myself ytd.
as a whole.

the way i see.
they're too interesting.



its been long since i last missed someone like that.
i miss my fcking phone that's in the hospital.
discharging soon!




tonight was great, with her and family..
=D didnt managed to talk much, and i was so in the mood to club but too tired so i crashed home.
hahahhaha.
THANKS ANYWAY!





its just another boring wk end.
somehow, somewhere.
somewhat.

luckily the com's alright.
two blows in two nights.
wtf..




i'm heading out soon.

PEI IS BACK!
=D
dinner soon i hope.



work is boring, never fail not to doze off during work.
made a few mistakes today. coz i kept dozing off.
zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
and he asked if i feel like sleeping.



DUH!
the bitch girl who loves gay stuff.
:D

happy VDAY!
happy BDAY!
happy FATHER'S DAY!




those people whom i talked to ytd should know what the FATHER'S DAY stands fer.
HAHAHAHA.





its just another day.

dumb.
just one word to describe it.

i'm at work now.
NO MSN SO I GO ONLINE TO BLOG.
hahaa.
i'm so tired.
think that my pile of ZZZ is killing me.
ACCOUNTS. (hear the screams of the innocent victims. lol)





going to lunch soon i hope.
the song CANDY SHOP kept playing on the fucking radio.
no life.
-.-'' just like my job now.
but its alright.




VDAY IS COMING.
dreading it.
somehow.
celebrate the love during the festive season of love. (zzzzzzzz sounds like xmas to me)
BUT WITH WHO?




bitch.
it must be the work thus i'm going crazy! (in fact i've already gone crazy. HAHA~)
going off.
try to blog, fuck, i mean FLOOD the blog later.

=D
HAPPY DAY!

stoneee.
tired.
heard it, seen it.


*joey, thanks. =)

silence of the night.
stillness of the air.
intact.
my feelings, they're still there?
but you know it when they're gone.



my friends are not a topic fer me to talk about.
even if i do, it'll be something of what we went through.



sounds funny? to me its not bitching.
i listen.
just used to it i guess.


bitch.

there's tons of things i wanna blog about.
alot alot.
regarding work,
regarding points of view.
abt on that sensitive topic,
its just mere thoughts.
no offences to anyone.
not targeting at anyone.





i always believe things happen fer a reason.
and somehow i do things with reasons too.
reasons, be them good or bad.





so.. right now, what am i supposed to do or say?

fate.. (even though what happened on friday night still make me speechless)
due to certain reasons i'm still not very into it.
i mean.
i dont know.

friends.
no mind games.
they drive me crazy and when i do.
i make sure that youre crazy with me too! zz.

work.
MON, blardy hell im so excited and enthu abt it! (not exactly but its better to start work soon.)

love.
wished that i have more things to say about this topic.
but it still remained the most condemned and forbidden topic to talk about in my life.
like what can i say about it seriously?
-looks at someone-



i'm done with my thoughts.
zzz.
next entry shall be something more constructive. (depends)
shall meet someone to talk and bitch (discuss actually) about it!
insomnia.
GOD DAMN IT.
saw a frd's nick.
chinGAY 06. (why purple? coz most gays love purple) *its different fer gers, tsk, i kinda love purple too.
bet there must be tons of gays.
LOL.

some people are just so..
yeeews.
just get off my back.



i really have nothing much to say.
and i've learnt not to care so much!

i do believe in fate sometimes.
there's this frd of mine, i wasnt't on good terms with him despite the fact that we were in the same class fer four whole holy years.
everytime we talked, we'll argue.
there was once he asked me to write autograph book, in sec one.
i did. but doesnt matter coz i shifted house in sec three.





sec three and four..
his existence is too noisy fer me NOT to deny.
together with a few moronic classmates, we became the condemned class of the yr in the school.
all these, just doesnt show anything, not yet.
it seems like he cant wait to grad and never see me again.
likewise fer me.
and so after we left..





went fer my class gathering fer the first time last year.
an exclassmate talked abt him to me,
i have heard stuff abt him.
never expect to see him, not again in this life.
after all what had happened in the past..






was out alone, till i met a frd.
planning to head to the library, we were walking.
WE SAW..
yl (a ger whom i see ONCE A YEAR, if not DONT SEE AT ALL)
and him!
STUNNED.
at the same time, kinda.. confused.
the kinda feelings that i used to feel, were gone.
no good nor bad feelings.
talked fer awhile, then went fer dinner, lastly k.
he must be thinking oh what a night.
after all he's heading back to brunei soon.
leaving tmr.
TSK.






SO GLAD that he's doing real well now.
we shall catch up again, (low profile if you want)
this mid year or next year.






i wondered if those guys are fine. (just guys)
2002, i'll never forget.
the good and bad times.
together with you guys.

i've tons to say about today.
that towards certain frds, i am making it clear that..
i cant be bothered.
you've seen it,
you've heard of it.
done it.
now.






what's left to say and do?
tell me?

i dont have much to say.

i've never block anyone and delete them off my list.
the most they'll be on my ignore list..
even if they're online or what.
i wont give a shit.
i got a surprise that someone talked to me on msn.
its been like.. 4yrs?
woah, this is madness.
but still, on my ignore list!
wahahaha.

uneventful evening.
somehow, not really.
how i missed those days...




when we sat there. it seems like the world was ours.
haha.
but now things have changed..
never see you so stressed up before.
just do according to your feelings.
=)
people can change overnight, some said its easy to know, some said that it was hard.
hmm..
i'm happy., not.

getting away!
bye.

never said never i was told.
but certain things are never fer sure.
i wished that i could done certain things,
i knew that i could but i didnt..






CRASH OVER, GET TOGETHER.
this cny is usual, but i felt happiest.
WE HAD FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
;)

never say never.

-
SIX person applied fer it..
THREE under consideration.
and my application is in process!




i tried to type something but ended up deleting them.
those scattered thoughts, they're just so hard to gather back.

i'm so tired.
TIRED.
but then again, who isnt?!




CNY will be here and over in a wink.
somehow. in a wink.

blah, what a big piles of bloody shit.
cny is coming!!

the tale is told.
the tale with no loophole, as you thought.
a fucking facade.
i'm so gonna tear it down.
right in your face.




fuck you bitch.

well, certain things we know it before you know it.
so apparently if you think that you're the world's most smartest FOOL.
YES you are.
there you go.
death upon your wish.
condemnation upon your mistake.
lastly, out you go.



certain things are meant to be left unsaid.
they're now, arent they?

hello world.
i'm infected by some virus.
HAHAHAHA.
i should just drink my cough syrup like water.

i miss you.
YOU YOU YOU!
as if anyone out there knows wtf i'm talking about.
=)

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it ain't close enough
Not nearly close enough


okay, do i? (line one)
i do get screwed up by my feelings at times.
but, the reality will always be there to wake me up..



I miss you so much and I don't know what to say.
reality is realistic enough to wake anyone up on this earth.






everynight i'll paint a pic in my head before i sleep. about someone, about somethings..
somehow, a bloody picture that is quite sadistic.
and almost impossible. (a whole combination of the two parts)




Do you ever think about me?
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?


sadly i dont somehow.. (line 2)
im not on the extreme side yet.
YET, somehow.
even if i'm upset, the sadness will go away swiftly.
so swift that it hurts..



2.4.6.8.12.
but why the thing is only 6 8 and 12?
hmm..

1/3/5/7/9.

OH.
- -

i'm finishing up the book?
last night i was so busy reading till.. i forgot wad time and i dozed off.
new furniture came today..
i'm gonna dedicate my wk ends to my books.
next week!





oh i wanted to blog something down, something amusing but i think that i've forgotten.
quite a no of things..
i dont like sneezing.
neither do i like coughing.
OR..
sore throat.



goodnight!
i shall go and hug my book to sleep tonight.
=)

fucking sore throat.
reached home and then i suddenly sneezed.
think that i'm down with flu. abit feverish also.
okay, i shall take this time to keep my cool.
alice is so nice i swear, she helped me keep a lookout fer my job thing.
was so freaking tired when i got home.
and i took a short nap.




why would i say that its SHORT, coz once again, some fucking moron called when i was just about to sleep.
i forgot if i rejected the call or i attempted to scream with my soundless voice.
but i remebered msging a moron.
moron's been asked to fuck off.
i sent that msg by the missed call thing.
and i sub-consciously happily deleted the sent items and the missed call.
so i dont know who's the lucky moron.




i think that i'll get some hate mails or msgs soon.
i dont really give a flying fuck about it.
flying fuck. (case one)
and some people's blogs are just so pathetic.
the fact is there,
no matter how you try to twist them..
you can never do it. (case two)





i dont give a flying SHIT/FUCK.
hahaha.

its the 19th!
i love this date.
=)

if you wanna know something.
ask and you'll be given.
if the person is nice enough..

my eyes are tired.
got home at 8plus, things happened.
(mentally plus the exhaustion)
he was trying to explain certain things to me.
and fer that few mins, my tears kept flowing..
fer that few mins, those emotions and agony were so hard to suppress.
so hard to contain within me and it went outta control.





a few mins later, i was trying to absorb the explanations.
it did worked, somehow.
and mom was nice.
since when she isnt?
fer that few mins, alot of things hit me HARD.
so hard that those tears were there fer that few mins.





fer that few mins, i hated this world, every single fucking shit thats in this universe.
someone mornic out there was very brainlessly bold enough to call me during that few mins.
i didnt pick up, but got back to that moron after awhile.
sparable if its something urgent but fuck it! it was something trivial.
OR SHOULD I SAY REDUNDANT?
waste of time...
then certain things happened to that brainless moron.
came to me, i typed whats on my mind.
i was given back the respond..



"WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO SARCASTIC? I THOUGHT THAT I CAN TURN TO YOU AND ASK FER ADVICE BUT YOURE ALWAYS SO SARCASTIC!"
(note, i rephrased it, apparently, that moron's english isnt perfect or should i say, its unreadable. about there)
fuck it, i'm unlike your frds (or rather some frds of mine back then), who'll say this to you..
"i'll always be here fer you" (but they should have added this part)
(when everything's over and fine)
does that make sense?
there i was just now, being there somehow, while doing my stuff.
but you pushed me away.
thats very cool.
i'm not agitated, sadly, moron's not of enough CHARM to piss me off badly.
mind games? i never like them and moron's not up to the position to play them with me.
i never like playing mind games, knowing me fer me, its dangerously sick when i play them.
i feel disgusted by myself too. (back then)





and i finally got my photocopies.
blessing.. one thing lesser off my mind.
my poor shrunk mind.
stonefish.
but a logical one.

you dont know,
its some kinda garbage.






i wouldnt know.
you dont get it.
just like the way i dont.





system shut down.
dead...

life's like this.
no matter how much we loathe being in this world,
still life goes on.
afterall, we're already here?
and to people out there who's of my age.
YOU STILL GOT A LONG WAY TO GO.
if you're killed by yourself, (your feelings, your ironic actions, etc etc)
and you died in your own inferiority..
i think that its amusing.
amazing at the same time. you can actually lost control of your thoughts.
certain thoughts and actions could be suppressed i thought.
i know that suppressing is not a good and ideal way, but still..
its acceptable to me, depending on the matter(s).






i wouldnt admit that fer the past few days i was having problems with my feelings.
the feelings were just so overwhelming that i feel like killing everyone but myself.
borrowed a book today, i forgot whats the title but its by anne rice.
lestat, he thinks that he's always right, despite his sins. (shan't elaborate)
i read up till there.




i thought alot somehow.
hmm..
still trying very hard to control my thoughts and feelings.
afterall i am logical.
especially when it comes to solving shit.
i wouldnt tell others what i dont normally do,
coz they're not proven to be possible.
i thought so.
i still believe in taking charge of the situation.
and the sudden change of line..
me, selling anything sell-able, makes me feel like i'm currently selling myself to my employer, just to fuckin get a new job.






strong sense of disapproval.
but yet, the strong urge to change my life.
the desperation to get outta this sales line.
people always tell me that;
ADMIN IS VERY EASY TO FIND, UNLIKE SALES/OTHERS.
like real!




angelia replied saying that she is sick of selling her life away.
but i ask, in this world, who is not a slave fer money and i dont know what and perhaps fame?
zzz.
i know that i dont belong to that lucky minority lot that can persue their interest as careers.
i belong to the majority lot who happens to slog fer money, fer a better living.
all these, i know it deep down. and i gotta accept them!
knowing what you want in life is just a way to live your life easier..
but then again, working too hard fer it, doesnt mean that you gotta acheive it through underground methods or even to the extent of selling your pride, dignity etc.
i dont know wtf i'm typing already.




too saturated.
but i have no wish to talk about heart affairs.
and certain things i want to get them done by the next few months.
and i would never wanna do things that make people or even myself lose every single bit of basic respect that mankind have fer each other.
fuckk.





if i'm sleeping, its time to wake up.
if i'm logical, its time to get things done.

i'm having fun editing my resume.
having fun asking people.
having fun talking to some people might be going through pms or i dont know what and down there having a major moodswing.
all of the above.
i have a friend who kept trying to contact me while i'm down there avoiding.
all of the above.
right, fer sure i'm having LOTSA FUN.
helluva fun.
HELL.




having tons of fun trying to be myself, but knowing me fer me, there's no escape that i will piss or irritate people.
but thinking back about the times when a thought was un-spared and i got back the same treatment?
pay-back time? i've got no time fer that. and no such mentality.
i'm gonna finish up and take a break.
off to my show.

sometimes i am too logical that everything else seems illogical to me.
certain things i've already done my best.
you might not know it.
but it could be seen, if you open your eyes big enough.






meeeeeeee fer me.
its a FUCKING MIRACLE MAN.
just like the perfume you know?
MIRACLE. by i dont know where or what.
outta point anyway.
its so fucking irritating..

you guys never know how i feel.
but at least a few bothered.
thats more than enough.
what could be more disappointing than the one you care most..
dont even fucking spare a thought fer you?
haha.
right?
yes. correct.



most.



go home and sleep.

When you talk (when you talk) does it seem like he's not
Even listening to a word you say?
That's okay babe, just tell me your problems
I'll try my best to kiss them all away
Does he leave (does he leave) when you need him the most?
Does his friends get all your time?



i am kinda addicted to this fucking song.
in a way or another..
i feel that way at times too. (line one and two. haha..)
when i talk, you dont seemed to be listening.
then whats the point of me talking?




Baby please
I'm on my knees
Praying for the day that you'll be mine



if only you're just mine and the rest doesnt matter a single shit at all.
IF ONLY MAN.




But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I could live
I wish I could give the world to you
But love is all I have to give





i only have my pride and unwanted feelings and this thing called love.
not forgetting, a fucking heart of mine.





addicted.
addictive.
addicting.



i want a no life job.
coz apparently i have no life.
i wished that i really dont have a life.

i'm a dick, i'm addicted to you. - addicted.


WORKED TODAY.
went home, went to meet roy after that..
was planning to head home after a meal or something,
but nix called.
so met her as well.
three of us.




bugis, chinatown, home.
boring boring and i swear that my legs are breaking.
and my stomach...




think that i might need to go and see a doc soon.

I talk because I feel, and I talk to you because I want you to know how I feel.

My statements are requests.

My questions are statements.

My trivia is an invitation to be friends.

My arguments insist: I want you to show respect for me by agreeing with me. This is THE WAY I SAY IT IS.

And my criticism informs you: You hurt my feelings a minute ago.






nice one yeah?
i think so too.

I AM BACK TO WORK!
after one day of aching and etc.





lets fucking talk about work.
i was late, despite the fact that i slept early.
OUTTA POINT.
saw my new colleague.
and she smells of some perfume.
think that she sprayed too much.
let me intro my NEW colleague,
JOANNE.
married, with two kids.
quite a nice colleague.
fake laughter my boss said..
but i'm just too used to doing things ALONE.
though i can be grumpy about getting no help back then.
but things always seemed so much easier when i am doing them ALONE.





busy day at work, got quite fucked up but still alright..
and yes she asked fer my no.
CAN I NOT GIVE HER?
i cant. so there am i, having the first ZZZ name in my phonebook.
OMF.
yes. quite paranoid.. dont know why she seems pretty nice..
BUT YES i just get fucking turned off by myself.
anyone knows how i feel?
i hate myself, hate my feelings......





i used to hate bsb fer the past 19 yrs of my life..
i never like them no matter how nice their songs can be.
and yes one of my frds.. who used to be fucking close to me, loves bsb like fuck.
whenever she plays their song.
i will be like OH ITS THE backSIDE boys!
-.-''
never did i know that. 19yrs later, I ACUTALLY SUCCUMB TO LISTEN TO THEIR SONGS!
OMF.
think that i'm more emotional now.
my emotions.. in a way, more enriched by my surroundings and happenings,
in a way.. good, coz i'm just a fucking human after all.
in a way.. bad. i just dont like the changes in me.
MORE EMOTIONAL AND ALL.
meaning, will not be as impartial as before.
OH.





have you had any idea how much i just fucking hate myself?
i wont be surprised if you hate me too..
and i fear that you'll get someone new?
coz you'll find us stale, find me boring.
do you know all these?
and knowing that i wont get to see you often..
do you know how i really feel deep down..




the wound fucking hurts.
the wound i've inflicted on myself.
mentally.

HELLO!
i feel like blogging and it made me feel like i'm talking to the wall.
at times i really dont like yalam.

logical.

rx, i'm being logical. just that.. just let me be like that fer the time being.
i'm waking up.
or rather woke up.
HAHAHA.
and...


i dont fancy names like joy? vanessa, veronica, amy.
but..
i dont know.
i'm trying to be objective.
and i will be.
words cant describe how i feel.
and yes, dont care about how i feel.
fer now..

last night had a talk with yj brother.
he made me realised alot of things. in another word, i woke up.
yeah. and PLEASE DONT COMPARE ME WITH ALAN.
not that i'm disrespecting him but YES I dont need that long to wake up.
i'm NOT a late bloomer. never one.
and i'm LOGICAL.
sorta rebuking him with my BUTS and IFS. i find myself quite defensive and irritating too.
and if only i can talk to my brother like the way i talk to yj..
we talked about alot of things. alot till i find myself kinda way too ego.
i just dont wish to get stuck to my past.
my words, blunt but they're just to protect myself.
BUT my words are getting better throughout the years.
the words with my tone..
up till here, i wondered if anyone knows wtf i'm typing about.




i dont wish to get stuck.
like what you told me, i gotta be OBJECTIVE. seriously a new word i've learnt.
and apply..
ANYWAY, i realised why i feel so empty at work.
know why? coz i've got NO COLLEAGUE beside my boss.
i never doubt my capability in sales, not when there's competition.
and this month, i will prove to myself.




talking about competition.
i'm having a new colleague by the name of JOAN.
=D
i'm sure that i'll be able to get along WELL with you.
AND TREAT YOU NICE ENOUGH FER YOU TO STAY.
can imagine shaking your hand and telling you NOT TO WORRY AND YOU WILL HAVE FUN WORKING WITH ME.
i am a NICE colleague. i am always nice. HAHAHA.
29 and i'm 20.
we shall see.





since i'm planning to change my line, i am not supposed to compete with my future colleague.
BUT.. she happens to have a name that i dont fancy.
call me crazy, call me mad, sadistic. anything.
i dont care.
i'm sure JAN is gonna be an exciting and perhaps an unhappy month fer me.
but the end product is..
i want her to take the job. but never replace me.
i dont wish to be replaced and i CANT be replaced.
i made my stand clear to boss.
HAHAHA.





pride? ego? logic.
yes i am.
all along.
aries are more logical than the other signs. (according to him)
and right now i'm just feeling to egoistic and psychotic.
HAHAHA.
they're just too hard to surpress. and i dont see a need to surpress them, not when i'm having a new colleague that i'm gonna love. LOVE YEAH.





i can differentiate my feelings from reality, differentiate my feelings from what i want.
i know what am i feeling and i wont let them screw me up.
i dont wish to leave with a bad reputation.
but that doesnt mean that the competition is not there.
this is a challenge to me.
HAHAHA.




oh my dear o's math.. i'm giving you up, fer now.
i'll still be keeping the books and everything related.
and i'll be back to take you home (with nice grades), i'm sure that you'll still be there fer me to challenge. i will.. when i'm more emotionally balanced.
apparently i am not.
if you cant tell.
too bad.




i'm off to a path to where i should be. or im forced to be.
or.. fer the sake of my future.




the future is unpredictable.
as unpredictable as my fucking feelings.
HAHAHA.




i woke up just like that.
last night's talking and today's happening.
so fast, so cool, so hard, but i'm just trying to adapt.
its us who will have to learn to adapt the surroundings, not vice versa.
this is logical. to me.

2006.

its 2006..
a brand new year.
does it mean anything to you?
to hell with the new yr resolutions.
HAHAHA.




as i grow older.. i realised that i will think more.
more scenarios, more possibilities, and lastly, more feelings.
SERIOUSLY JUST FUCK THE FEELINGS MAN.
here i am.
feeling the same way all over again.




something i typed a day or two back..

ME;
long term r/s was NEVER on my agenda,
self proclaimed workaholic,
in fact,
i'm just trying to drown myself with work and earn more bucks,
so that i can pamper myself to fill up the emptiness..
and redundant feelings,
I KEPT WISHING THAT I COULD JUST FEEL LESSER.
lesser feelings, lesser thoughts.
lesser probabilities, lastly, lesser troubles.
troubles from my actions, fer my actions, root of all these shits..
MY FUCKING FEELINGS.


yeah. bottom line.
lesser feelings, lesser thoughts.
LASTLY, LESSER FEARS.
why? coz you'll never think of them.
the feelings and whatever that causes the FEARS.




and guess what? fer the past near TWENTY YEARS of my life.
i thought that i've been doing things in a logical way.
though i am just not academically inclined.
my thoughts, though fucked up, but i try to do things in a very logical way.
too logical that i can go bonkers.
BUT fer the year 2005.. got pretty screwed up, especially with my thoughts.
thus my actions. my words. my attitude.
they just make me appeared so.. ILLOGICAL.



and yeah, this year, i'm gonna be back the same old logical me.
HAHA.
new yr resolutions? NONO. fuck them, theyre just consoldolences fer yourself.
its time to sleep.

will anyone out there will actually spare a thought fer another?
if so, why does people gotta keep contradicting themselves with their actions and words?
why why why?
i really wondered why.



enough of the tears.
enough fer this year.
happy new year everyone.
enjoy the last 31st of the whole year.
2005, its been real ..? yes no i dont know?
hur.

just fuck off.

coz its you, if you realised.
coz of you, but you didnt realised.

perhaps it has always been like that.

30th decemeber 2005.
31st decemeber 2004, i saw you.
i wondered if i'll see you again this year.
its been a year, time flies..




and yeah, AARONN, i will kill you someday.




slightly annoyed.
thanks aaronn.
you dont anyhow anyhow comment and talk about certain things.




//coz its you, if you realised.

must be the weather.
must be the dream.
must be the fucking thoughts.

didnt know that weather can make you swing like this.
certain dreams can make you lose yourself. lose your faith.
bring you down like i dont know what and lastly.. make you fear.
its neither a nice nor bad dream.
its just a dream, that is kinda brief, but yet.. it reflects on the feelings.
perhaps even sub-consciously about how i feel towards certain things, certain areas..




recall, recount, redo. as if i can redo.
i just wish that the dream wont come true..




totally mood-less now.

at times i just cant find another reason not to lovee my phone.
at times i just cant find another reason not to job hop. okay i'm just joking here.
at times i just cant find another reason to keep calm.
AT TIMES I JUST CANT FIND ANOTHER REASON to not feel grumpy.
hahahahaha.





and at times i just cant find another reason to NOT feel sadistic.
HAHAHA.
today's outing is good.
ytd caught narnia.
went home, joey, ice and dine came over.
drank, mahjong-ed.
hurr.
today was out, to city hall, and only today i just realised that my phone has got a very interesting game.
hurr.
anyway, i just cant find another reason not to love the person who was playing with my phone's game today..
i dont know if that person ever realise that..
well well, its gonna be a new yr soon!
time flies~
goodnight.

HI PEOPLE.
my mom is making her SPEECH.
just now my dad got me into his conversation with brother.
AND I GOT SCREWED and MOCKED AT.
speech abt CPF, about house, about everything.
IYOH.

12.47am. 25th december 2005.
its been a fucked up week i swear, even up till today.
but still..
merry xmas to all.
=)





certain things are jus so hard to say and do.

good morning, joey asked me to do this.
hurr. i am not really into such stuff but i'll do fer once.




1) the 5 weird/random stuffs about me
- i have split personalites : shan and omF.
- i'm in love with .. we know who. =)
- R&B? (but but somehow its dying already fer i dont know what reasons)
- i dont really love ice cream that much anymore?
- suddenly blank out at times? empty? thats a real weird one.



2) 5 people that has to do the quizzie
- roy.
- natt.
- winnie? hurhur.
- allen?
- who's the next 'lucky' one on my mind... ???



3) leave a comment on their blog.
- no im not that mad.



time check 8.06am.
fucking madness.

my lil colleague apparently thinks that i've got cute friends like sunshine and pb.
HURR. she said that sweets is cute but.. (i leave out this part)
and yeah she's my lil bloody cute and pure colleague!
HURRRRRR.





can see my pb but hands off my sunshine.
hahaa hurhur.
=P
goodnight world.

tomorrow's interview.
its been eons since i last went fer an interview?
oh, hopefully that they'll offer good working hours.





current job, great exposure to the world, of different cultures but thats only when youre abroad.
but most of the time, i'm stuck down there, in the shop..
good money but i paid fer it, with my time.
right now i just want back the time to get to my right priorities.




forget it, lost my fcking trains of thoughts.
dien, roy and i touched on the topic of emptiness.
hurhur.
interesting and debatable topic.
hurhurhur.





anw, its been nice talking to dien again.
yeah. like what you told me..
its so true about it.
young and ignorant.
then.
see you guys around!!!!!!!




*empty? dont be, youre not alone.

you; the first thought of my day..



it seems like my biological clock is back to it 'normal self' since the morning i met pb fer breakfast. (fuck i actually typed dinner.)
i lost my trains of thoughts.
not exactly feeling good.
and i feel that its dumb to type it down here.
i dont think anyone out there will understand how i feel.
i just know that i want my sunshine.
=(



i feel empty.. nothing's new.
think that i'll be fine in a while..


and the last thought on my mind.
=) sunshineee..
hurr.

zai shuo wo ai ni,
ke neng yu ye bu hui ting.





my sunshine dont want me already..
=(

talking to certain moronic and brainless peeps make me lose my cool.
i'll never talk to them again.
i wouldnt wanna be brainless too.
HUR.





my moonlight in my life.
=D
hee.



// Just like a moment....
You stole my heart.

i'm left with a short period of time to think about certain things.
some i've decided.
going ahead fer it.
some..
i'm still pretty clueless i guess.
i wanna blog down what happened throughout the wkend..
sunshine of my life. =D




saturday, 17th;
worked.. met sunshine fer lunch, visit frd's gf and pissed her off by messing up her hair.
HUR.
down to ps to walk around with sunshineee.
saw sweets.
sent sunshine off and went back and knocked out.




sunday, 18th;
met my dearest PB fer breakfast at 630am.
after that, went home, slept, went down to parkway to meet sunshine!!!!!
HUR.
dine and PB came down.
went town, waited fer ice, walked by nike at cine, saw jed.
dinner, saw brandon, ice came, after dinner went to walk around.
uh, then certain things happened.
blahh.
home. died.




19th, monday;
work work and work! (seriously, whats new..)
boss got a new phone and she kept playing with her phone.
OH?
nothing much..
dinner with PB at tiong.
home. now online..



what a life.
fuck.
hur..

uh huh.
nothing much fer this week.
but at times i'm just so amazed by certain things.
inspired by certain people.
all these amazement plus amusement plus inspiration and lastly not forgetting, a lil irritation.
oh.
how time flies.
a yr and three mths?
yupp.





goodnight world.

enough said.

fucking annoying.

yet.. my worst nightmare.

my sweetest sweet dreams.

sometimes i find the way things are happening amazing.
yet at the very same time.
amusing.
management.
discipline.
thats a good pt to ponder on..
lastly..
sacrifices.



take it that i'm just uttering nonsense.
zzz.
goodnight.

i called the police at abt 8.40pm.
never feel so fucking angry in my whole life before.
if i see those mofo again..
i make sure that some hell money will do them some good.
fuck.




the joke of the day..
became the joke of the year.
its all nothing but a syndicate.
oh whatever.

i was in town, alone to get my stuff.
earlier on a frd called when i was having my lunch.
asking if i wanna meet.
i told her that i'll get back to her. of coz i will, somehow, in a way or another.
but that frd.. just kept calling till i flared.
flaring inside.





it's her fucking offday today.
she had an appt earlier on. she cancelled it coz of me.
seriously, is she dumb or wad?
i'm not her mother or some VIP to her.
and i was thinking i'm only meeting her if she's on the way to town OR already in town.
know why? coz i dont wish to own her anything too.
and i thought that it'll be good to only call her when im outta my house, heading down to town.





seriously, all along she NEVER ever spare a fucking thought fer me. while me? to me its like wasting her time although i know that she wont mind coz she's mad and too free or fer what fuck reason.
and so i msged her asking if she still wants to meet coz im out like NOW and its like a waste of her time to ME.
fuck it, called, didnt pick up, msged her, she replied by saying:
i dont feel like meeting already. enjoy and take care.
HAHAHHA. PLS LAUGH ITS ALL SO AMUSING.
i replied; okay, fine.





and so she thought that i was angry. in a way i wasnt. coz she's not up to it to annoy me.
just that i dont like her fucking attitude.
she msged me at 7plus apologising.
I DONT NEED THAT. its just that.. if you cld get my fucking pt earlier on, you cld had prevented wad i msged you on both msn and sms.
FUCKED UP.
seriously fucked up? is my english too lousy to be comprehended by mankind?
and yeah. i didnt twist and turn and i just fucking get straight to the point?!
why do i not have such problems with my ex classmates back then?
WHY?! we thrash things out. somehow. and yeah we dont need much explanations.
AND YOU JUST FUCKING HAVE TO MAKE ME EXPLAIN.
oh so, there you go.
a taste of my dissatisfaction with a lil twist of agony.




all these got my discrimination started.
the discrimination stopped fer quite awhile back then.
and yeah once it's started, its kinda unstoppable. unless i want it to.
but apparently, those nonsensical morons just showed me more reasons to discriminate.
more reasons NOT to stop discriminating.
being me. i know that you must have what it takes to discriminate.




at least i dont make people explain like SHIT.
you told my frd once that if you see my partner, you'll punch her or sth.
OH DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABT YOU?!
youre mad. insane. paranoid. ALL IN THE WRONG WAY MAN.
and yeah its seriously like all the way, to hell.
at least she've got what it takes to discriminate. and i wldnt wanna be labelled as stupid coz i mix with people like you around.
my surroundings.
oh whatever.






you asked me to stop my hurting words.
at least i spared a thought fer you somehow.
you didnt even and you thought that youre so fucking smart and do things your fucking way.
smarter. SMARTEST.
yeah right.
you said that youre hurt? are you demanding an apology? you said that you dont need.
you told me that its alright. whats the pt of telling me?
I DONT INTEND TO APOLOGISE ANYWAY.
get that clear.
i'm not angry at all as i'm typing out my rants.
JUST TIRED OF PEOPLE ASKING ME TO EXPLAIN.





EXPLAIN AND EXPLAIN AND EXPLAIN.
go and die man.
enough said.
i'm not a sinner. not to you.
you can fucking stop your morning calls.
i had troubled you fer too long.
and the one that i need will NEVER be you.
and swts said that since when she isnt not irritating.
HAHAA.
=)
goodnight.

just bought this in town today..
doesnt it look formal?














i love shirts. i always do.
i shall type another entry.
I LOVE SHIRTS.
=)
and i love my partner!!

went out at 10 in the morning and i reached home at 6plus in the evening..
cycling at sentosa.
its been 2yrs since i last cycled.
saw kye and her frd, yl. so hung out with them till 6plus.
knowing kye fer 2 odd years. i feel so weird when i wash my face with her around!
*screams
kye's knees were sorta hurting, she looks grumpy and she told me that she was hungry.
uh.. but her frd is nice.
overall, shorta had a good day with swts at the beach!





AND YES ITS ZOUK OUT AT SILOSO TONIGHT.
i wonder why am i at home.
but i'm getting old. need more time to sleep.
think that it'll be my bed time soon.
HAHA.





kinda busy now, i think that i'll blog more later.
LATERS.

home to work, work to home.
sth's amissed and i feel like being sucked into a big hole.
not trying hard enough, i just cant figure out wtf is wrong.




and certain things got me thinking like mad.
my feelings, my thoughts, my madness.
crankiness. you name it, i feel it.
but all these nonsense.. they just make me feel like shit throughout the day.
now im talking to jed on msn.




think i need to die off soon in case i cant wake up on time man.
goodnight world.
i miss the 'big boss' who's on the cruise right now.
=P

never thought that memories will fade with time.
they do, over the years.
perhaps the new events had got those memories replaced and i dont want them to stay..
they're gone.
fer good.
one good example.. may.
then again, i'm contented with the way things are now btw us.


i remembered saying that;
scarred fer life.
it was meant to be.
and i wanted them to stay..
but time passed.
it made me realised tons.

-.-'' scarred my fuck!




as the year is coming to an end.
i jus think back of the events and all.
perhaps too much happened that i actually forgot.
was thinking last night.
it'll be good if one day i wake up and forget abt everything..
there's a term fer it.
selective amnesia.





my views. before anything screws up, just want to get my views across, so that when things cock up i dont have to explain myself again.
i dont like explaining.
noone likes too.
but fer certain exceptions in life i did.
exceptions.
there wont be anymore.





my game, my rules. i broke my own rules. fer valid and worthy reasons.
still i feel the sense of self disappointment.
but still..
i'm happy with the way things are now.




oh yes, people, pls ask me directly if you wish to know if i'm alive or dead.
in a way, respect me.
ask and i might consider answer..
and yes, profiles doesnt reflect my life.
it might, may reflect how i feel deep down.
a certain side that i dont wish to appear in reality.
just a possibility.




and certain things i hate to see, to feel or have.
an underground affair.
i aint a slut.
i aint a bitch.
i'm not up to it.
take it i'm mad.

uh..
last night was cool with the dude.
tonight was cool too.. with a dude and dudes that i dont know at all.
haha.




an outing with all guys.
getting stuff fer their prom night.
yeah.
town walked around.
saw swts at plaza.
took a bus home..




quite a tiring day fer me.
ice was saying that he didnt get sufficient rest as well and he feels like a drug addict.
so do it.
certain things, somehow only he seems to understand it better.
and we talked abt the old days.
GOSH.
dont remind me somehow..
its a yr that i dont really wish to remember much.
so here am i now..
i'm home!




a general difference btw guys and gers.
guys dont tend to remember much details.
in a way.
hmm..

"Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)"
[VERSE 1]
For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold (didn't you say)
If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl (tell me)
Ok I know I was late again I made you mad and then it's throwing the pan
But why are you making this drag on so long (i wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly games (silly games)
Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.



[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more



[VERSE 2]
I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone (I see it all so clearly)
Me at the door with you inner state (inner state)
Giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.



[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more



[BRIDGE]
Don't say those words it's so hard
They turn my whole world upside down
Girl you caught me completely off guard
On the night you said to me
I just don't love you more.




[CHORUS 2X]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

i'm having my dinner now.
been having too much nonsensical thoughts on my mind.
just thought that i need to get them off before my head burst.
and burst right into your face.





there are certain things i just just fucking hell dont get it.
why is my intention of doing certain things are always not seen?
and the original intention get so distorted when its being conveyed to the opposite and i dont even know if i should kill myself or kill i dont know who.




i dont know how to explain..
dont know where to start from.
ITS SO TIRING!
and i swear its hell when you get back negative/funny/weird/nonsensical responses..





a frd called me just now. he wasnt serious at all, was quite annoyed by him..
told me this.
"why get so serious? life's never serious?"
got quite taken aback by his words.
perhaps towards everything now i shouldnt be so serious.
then again, i thought of work..
its just so aint me.






left work late, went home late too.
dinner's late. and fuck it i got my flu late too.
OH YEAH.
a lil crankiness kills the boredom and emptiness away.
at least fer the day.

stumbled across a profile and i went WOAH.
showed it to a few frds of mine.
one bloody response and two pretty good responses..

alright, nothing much fer today.
dine and joey tonight.
nothing much actually.






nothing's much been on my mind.
certain things i spend time pondering abt it, but yet i just cant figure it out.
there's this thing i spent yrs thinking abt it, analysing it somehow.
but up till today, the answer is still a blank.






another matter got me thinking abt it fer months and now, with adequate time, it still cant be solved.


i dreamt abt some people last night.
and i wondered why.
so many stupid and redundant unknowns and blanks.
but not an exact satisfied answer that i want and need.
ultimately, not even a vague one.




morale of the story.
why spend so much time thinking abt such stuff that kills your brain cells and all?
-looks around-